Chapter 12 - You've got incoming
It took three attempts and at least eight rings to get anyone to pick up at Jimmie’s. It was Halley who finally answered. “Um, what?”

Not her usual greeting. I frowned. “Hal?”

“Oh, Leigh!” a rush of emotion filled her voice. “Where have you been? And where’s Van?”

“Actually, that was why I was calling you.”

“What? You never found him last night?” She sounded very worried and I could almost hear her pushing her bangs out of her face in that twitchy, nervous way she had.

“No,” I grouched, the irritation flooding back. “I mean yes. Well, I did for a little bit. It’s a long story.” I waited for her to ask me about it. When she didn’t, I continued anyhow, “Last night was a horror. I had to walk like five miles last night and almost got attacked by a bunch of scary homeless guys. It totally sucked.” I could hear her breathing on the other end. It sounded like she was hyperventilating into her hand. That sick feeling from the night before suddenly returned to the pit of my stomach. “Halley, what’s going on over there? Are you okay?”

“Oh, Leigh!” she sounded raspy, like she’d been crying all night. “It’s all so awful. I don’t even know how to begin to tell you. It’s just…it’s just a total nightmare!” She sounded so distraught that it notched my panic meter up another level. “We tried to call you last night but…”

“But I left my purse in the van,” I finished for her. “What happened?”

“Can you come over?” she sniffled. “I think it would be best if we told you and Van together. Or at least have you here when we tell Van.” I sighed with relief. For a split second, I thought all the drama had to do with his disappearance.

Looking down at Stella’s wrinkled jammies and slippers and then over at my sleeping friends, I contemplated waking them up to ask them to drive me clear out to the boondocks to meet up with the boyfriend they officially hated as of last night. “Um, tell Van what?”

“Leigh,” her voice was shaky as she whispered into the phone, “you have to come over, please!” I wondered why she was whispering. Then it occurred to me that maybe Jimmie had gone on another bender and was hung over. They were probably breaking up again.

I rolled my eyes and padded out to Stella’s empty kitchen, plopping on a stool. “I really don’t have a way out there right now. I had to crash at a friend’s house last night after you guys stranded me in the middle of …” Suddenly something from last night came crashing back with a vengeance and I covered my eyes with my hand. “Halley? Last night, Van was freaking out because for some insane reason he thought Cole was dead.” Halley emitted a noise that I could only call keening, even though I’d never heard anyone do it before. “Tell me that’s not true, Halley. Cole’s fine isn’t he?” Even as I asked the question, I knew the answer.

“Cole’s dead,” she wailed. “And it’s all my fault!”

“Wha…?” I was stunned. “He can’t be.”

“He k-k-killed himself,” she sobbed. “Yesterday night. While we were all gone to the show. He jumped in front of a semi on the highway.”

“He what?!” A vivid and entirely unpleasant mental image flashed before my eyes.

“He’s gone. They called him dead at the scene.”

“Of all the ways to…” I stood up and wrapped my arms around myself, pacing back and forth across the tile. “But why?” It was the only question I could think to ask. “He had so much to live for!”

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Halley sobbed. “Except that yesterday I was talking to him ‘cause, well, he’s just seemed so not himself lately and we talked and I got m-m-mad at him,” she paused to hiccup, “and he got all defensive and crap and I asked him how he could live with himself, you know, acting like this, and then he got all quiet. When he got out of the car, he said I was right.” She cried harder. “I thought he meant that I was right about the fact he needed to change! I never thought he’d take it that he needed to d-d-die! See? It’s all my fault!”

“Hush, it’s not in the least bit your fault,” I said, still reeling myself. I couldn’t imagine Cole dead. I just couldn’t. He’d always been so, well, alive. Maybe not vibrantly so, but living nonetheless. “Nobody could’ve known he’d do that, sweetie.”

“I could have! I should have noticed! Cole and I have been friends since we were teeny little kids.” Sighing heavily, I heard a thunk that I assumed was her head hitting the table. “I would have noticed too, except I was just so caught up with all this drama with Jimmie that I completely forgot about all the other people in my life – all my friends.” A stab of guilt went through my chest and I glanced again at Stella’s bedroom door. “Oh, Leigh, it’s just awful. And it turns out that we found out even before his parents did ‘cause his car was still parked at our house and he well, you know, did it right in front. Just where the highway splits off.”

“I am so sorry, Halley. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize you guys were that close.”

“Yeah,” she coughed, “we haven’t been so close lately because of how Cole’s been these past few months but then that’s nothing compared to how close he and Van were.” She caught herself. “Van! Wait – you said he already knew last night? When we dropped you guys off?”

“Something like that. At least that’s why he jumped and ran, I think. I followed him to some school and he totally freaked out and told me that Cole had come to say good-bye to him.”

“Huh?”

“At Denny’s.”

“Cole said good-bye to Van at Denny’s?” It sounded like a bad sitcom.

“That’s what he said. That’s why he punched the hole in the wall. He seemed mad at Cole, that he would just leave like that. I mean, I didn’t believe him last night but…”

“That’s crazy!” she gasped and I found myself nodding.

“I know, way creepy right? This whole dead-person-talking business.” Even now, I got goose bumps remembering it.

“No, no, I mean it’s crazy that he would say good-bye to Van and not to me!” She burst into fresh sobs. “We’ve been friends since we were kids! We grew up in the same neighborhood. We’re in the same ward at church. Our parents have a dinner party once a month together. My first sleepover when I was five was with him! Why would he not say good-bye to me too?”

I listened to her cry for a minute before whispering, “Maybe he did.”

“Huh?” I heard her blow her nose.

“You said you were the last person he talked to. Maybe he did.” She was quiet and I figured she was remembering her last conversation with him.

“He told me he loved me,” she said softly.

“See? There you go.”

“There I go.” Somehow she didn’t sound comforted.

She was quiet a long time before I decided to break the silence. “Hal? How come Van and Cole were so close? I mean, I hardly ever saw them together much less talking or anything.”

Halley replied quickly. “Oh, don’t judge them on the past few months. Cole’s totally changed. He’s, well, not himself since he started with all the partying stuff. If it weren’t for the fact that we loved him so much before, we would have kicked him out a long time ago. Nobody was really getting along with Cole these days.” I didn’t point out that she was talking about him in present tense. Her voice dropped and she said sadly, “I forget that you didn’t know him before.”

“No,” I said sadly. “I didn’t.” I thought of our conversation the night of the big frat fight and it suddenly seemed very important. Significant. I tried to remember it. Not much came back to me except for the child of god business. And the mission thing.

“Well, he was a great kid. One of the best. He was Van’s first friend when he moved up here to live with his mom. They met at the skate shop and Cole backed him when the local rowdies tried to pick a fight. Cole got his butt beat but it was best friends forever after that. He and Van used to spend hours a day together just skating and inventing new tricks and whatever. Cole used to let Van crash at his house when things got too crazy with his mom. He even drove down to Cali to bring Van back when things went sour with his dad this last time.”

“Oh.” I remembered Van’s months-long absence at the end of last quarter. So I had Cole to thank for his return.

“Then Cole hit the drugs. He took to them fast. Actually, I should say they took him fast. At first the changes were small and then they just sort of took him over. They became his whole personality. Oh,” her voice caught and I heard tears coming, “I can see it all perfectly now. Why didn’t I pay attention?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I murmured again, unsure of what to say.

“Anyhow, I guess I’m not surprised that Cole chose Van to say good-bye to on his way out. It’s really kind of fitting in a way.”

“Yeah,” I said although I totally didn’t see how.

“And I’m glad that Van already knows. It must have been an awful scene.”

“That it was,” I answered, a perfect picture of Van rending his clothes and screaming obscenities at the night sky was burnt into my mind. “It really was.”

………

There was quite the crowd gathering by the time I coaxed Katie and Stella awake and convinced them to drive me to Jimmie’s. Actually, they didn’t need much convincing. Both of them vaguely remembered Cole from school and seemed sad that he was dead. Stella even offered to stay with me, for moral support. I shook her off quickly though; she would only be an intrusion. It turned out that the tight little gathering of friends I’d imagined was not exactly what I found when I wrenched open the screen door. People flowed aimlessly from one room to the next, talking quietly in groups before moving on. I passed a knot of loudly weeping girls and noted that I hardly recognized anyone. I finally found Halley and Jimmie back in their bedroom, lying curled up on the floor together. Halley was staring blankly at the wall while Jimmie’s face was buried in her neck, eyes closed, and I wondered if he were sleeping. It was Van that caught my immediate attention though. He sat in a tight knot in the middle of the white comforter, his eyes flat steel and his face emotionless – the exact opposite of the storm I’d seen last night. Scattered all around him was a veritable confetti of shredded roses. Blooms of every color had been mercilessly ripped off their stems, torn into tiny pieces and then cast aside. It must have taken him hours.

“Hey,” I whispered, breaking the perfumed silence. Halley ran up and wordlessly threw her arms around me. To my surprise, Jimmie stood up also and put his arms around both of us. We stood there rocking back and forth and for the first time since I had heard the news, I cried. “I’m so sorry,” I mumbled, wiping my eyes. Halley nodded, looking only more gorgeous for the pallor of her grief – ethereal with her huge shining eyes and pale streaming hair. Jimmie handed me a tissue and slumped back down on the floor, closing his eyes, as if that one act had taken all his remaining energy.

At last I walked over to the bed, sitting carefully next to Van, careful not to disturb the petal mosaic. “You okay?” It was a stupid question, but the only one I could think to ask.

He nodded slowly, deliberately.

I tried again, “You know, it’s all right if you’re not…” I touched his arm but he threw off my hand with much more force than was necessary.

“I’m fine,” he said at last. “Dude made his choice. All I can say is that I hope he found what he was looking for.” I was taken aback by his forceful tone but it seemed to solidify something in Van and he stood up, rising from the bed in one fast motion.

“Where are you going?” I gasped as he headed for the door.

“I have to get out of here,” he pushed his way through a bunch of weeping girls in the hallway, earning him several hard looks and indignant huffs. “I can’t stand all these poseurs, acting like they knew Cole,” he slammed the kitchen door open and covered the length of it in two strides, “acting like they even care that he ever lived. That he was a person!” He was yelling now as he stomped through the living room, stepping on the people too slow to get out of his way. “He was a person, you all hear me?” Everyone was staring at him, waiting. “All you all care about is that he’s dead!” Van slammed his hand down on the radio, shutting off the Emo that somebody had turned on. “Yeah, yeah, Cole’s dead – great excuse for a party, right?”

A couple of guys stood up, crossing their arms over their chests. “Chill out, dude, everybody handles heavy stuff in their own way.”

The opening seemed just what Van was looking for and he was in the guy’s face before I could even blink. “What’s his last name?”

“Huh?” the guy said, looking a little uncomfortable as Van continued to press into his personal space.

I could see where this was going and fast so I ran over to Van’s side, laying a gentle hand on his arm. “Van,” I said quietly, “come on. Let’s just go outside and talk or something.”

Van held up his hand to me. “I just want to hear him say it.”

“Say what?” the guy looked quickly back and forth between Van and I and I saw fear in his eyes.

“Cole’s. Last. Name.” Van bit off each word, his fist clenching and unclenching at his side. “If you’re so damn sad he’s dead then you must have been close, right?” He grabbed the front of the kid’s shirt and pulled him in close. I found myself preparing for the crunch of a head butt and angled my body to avoid the blood. The kid’s mouth worked frantically but nothing came out. After a long, tense minute Van let go, pushing him gently out of his way. As he walked quickly to the door he said, “It’s Haynes.” Turning to face the crowd, he repeated it, softer this time. “Cole Darren Haynes.”

“Van, wait!” I ran after him. Surprisingly, he stopped at the edge of the road and waited for me. “Where are you going?”

“To the flower shop.”

“You have to work?” I stammered.

“Yes.”

“Surely you could call your boss and…”

“We’ve got a big order for tonight. It’ll take hours to set up. I have to go,” he said bluntly.

“But,” I shook my head, baffled. “Of all the times to become employee of the year…”

“It’s for a funeral tonight. The Haynes funeral.”

I blinked quickly. “Cole’s funeral is tonight?”

He nodded. “His parents didn’t want to wait out the weekend, they just wanted to get it over and done with. I talked to them this morning. The shop is going to do the flowers for free, as a gift since Cole worked there too and all.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said softly, realizing that of course Cole must’ve had a job. And a home and parents and probably a pet and a favorite ice cream flavor too.

Van pursed his lips. “I’m overseeing all the arrangements.” He laughed humorlessly and I stared at him. “It’s ironic really because Cole always hated flowers. He drove the delivery truck and used to just moan and complain about the smell, the cheesy sentiments, the expense wasted on something already dead…” He paused as both of us let that one sink in. Letting out his breath with a loud whoosh, he finished, “So yeah, anyhow, I’ve got to get going.” He turned to go, calling over his shoulder, “It’s at 6 p.m. in the Lynnwood L.D.S. stake center, if you want to come.”

“Van!” I called, and he turned around, “You want a ride?”

He shook his head. “No thanks, I think I’ll walk.”

“But it’s like,” I struggled to compute the mileage to the flower shop, “fifteen miles away.”

“Then I’ll run,” he said and started to jog.

“Van?” I called after him one more time.

“What?” He didn’t stop but merely turned around, jogging backwards.

“What was his favorite ice cream?”

“Cole’s?” The shutter over his eyes lifted for a brief second and I glimpsed the raw grief behind it. “Rocky road.” He shook his head, whispering to himself, “The kid could eat like an entire gallon by himself.”

“Stay off the road,” I whispered as he disappeared into the mist. “Please, just stay off the highway.”

………

“I’ve never really been to a Mormon funeral before,” I mumbled self-consciously as I followed Jimmie and Halley into the plain brown brick building. I’d skipped the viewing at the funeral home.

“You’ll be fine,” Halley muttered distractedly as we took our place in a long line that started just inside the glass doors.

I smoothed the black skirt that I’d had to borrow from my mother and glanced around the austere lobby. I didn’t know what I’d expected but now, being here, I realized I’d been thinking a little more Catholic Cathedral, and a little less dentist’s office. The formal floral couch matched the muted tones of the carpet and wallpaper; the only nod to actual religious ornamentation was a large-ish picture of Jesus Christ standing by a boat with a bunch of guys in robes. “Well why isn’t anyone else wearing black?” I grumbled, vaguely put off because I’d only been here five minutes and already it was nothing like I’d expected.

We inched forward a few steps. “I’m wearing black,” Jimmie replied unsatisfactorily and I frowned. He was wearing his tight black Vague Prophet t-shirt with ratty jeans and checkered vans.

I rolled my eyes. “I meant, why am I the only one not sporting nipple piercings that is wearing black?”

“It’s because we aren’t in mourning,” she said simply.

“Call it whatever you want but I’m not exactly jumping off the walls for joy,” Jimmie said, well, mournfully.

“A nineteen-year-old kid is dead,” I said loudly, “what’s not to mourn about that?”

Halley stood closer to me, shielding me from the overt stares of the people around us. “No, no, I mean I’m definitely sad that Cole is dead. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a tragedy but as Mormons we believe that we live after we die and so I know I will see Cole again. We believe that our spirits live on after we die and that one day, when Christ comes again, they’ll be reunited with our bodies. So, death is more of a temporary separation than, like, the end.”

I nodded, feeling strangely comforted, even though I’d never heard so much religious rhetoric at one time before. “Yeah, I always thought there had to be something else.” It was true too, somehow I’d never been able to accept the fact that after we died we just disappeared into nothingness or whatever. My parents had laughed when I insisted on talking to my pet kitty, Bonkers, long after he had died and insisted he could still hear me. I felt a little vindicated.

For once, Jimmie was actually listening and not mocking Halley’s religion. “I wish I could believe that,” he said quietly. “I hope that someday I will see him again.”

“I tell you what,” Kyle snickered, cutting in line to stand next to us, “I certainly don’t want so see that sorry SOB in the hereafter. I mean, dude got hit by a semi.” There were several outraged huffs around us at that and Halley covered his mouth with her hand. “What?” he said through her fingers, “I’m just saying…”

“Saying what?” Pete asked, pushing into the line too. I noted that Pete wore a band tee and jeans under his sliced and diced jacket while Kyle had at least managed to come up with some khakis and a tie, albeit over his Killers t-shirt.

“He’s saying nothing,” she replied ominously and I took the hint and stood silently at her side. As we moved closer to Cole’s parents in what looked like a decorated high school gym, she took my hand and held it firmly in hers.

We walked slowly past a long table decorated with memorabilia from Cole’s life. I couldn’t stop staring at all the pictures of him – as a baby, a tow-headed toddler, a boy scout, a lacrosse player, even one of he and Van standing in swim trunks at the edge of a sparkling beach. I shook my head; I didn’t recognize him in any of them. My anxiety increased as we approached Mr. and Mrs. Haynes. “Well, what do I say to them then?” I whispered finally. “Can I say I’m sorry he’s dead? Or what?” His parents certainly looked mournful. Distraught, even.

“Absolutely,” Halley whispered back. “Say whatever’s in your heart! Just because we know that we will see Cole again doesn’t mean that we don’t miss him now. Besides, I’m sure they’re still in shock.”

And then we were there. “Um, hi,” I said to Cole’s dad, unable to meet his eyes. “I’m Leigh Mitchell. I was a friend of Cole’s.” Suddenly I caught myself and looked at Halley, panicked. “I mean, I am still a friend of Cole’s. Or something. Since he’s still around and all.” Halley’s eyes widened and Cole’s dad swallowed loudly a couple of times. I knew I’d said something wrong. Blushing furiously, I tried to apologize, “I’m sorry, I, uh, don’t know much about this whole Mormon thing. I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry he’s dead. I really really am. He was a good kid. Or is a good kid. Or whatever.” I knew I was babbling but I couldn’t stop myself. “In fact, he told me something really cool once, something that has always stuck with me.”

“What was that, dear?” Cole’s mom asked hoarsely.

“Well, um, he told me that I was a child of God.” The simple statement made me feel as weirdly special as it did the night he first said it. “I mean, I know it’s silly or whatever since if everyone’s a child of God then it doesn’t exactly make me unique but…”

“It does,” Cole’s mom interrupted me. “You are unique. Each child is precious to God.”

“He really said that to you?” Cole’s dad said suddenly, peering down at me through his rimless glasses.

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “Two weeks ago. When he, uh, pulled me out of a fight. Well, not that I was fighting in but he was and I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and...”

Mrs. Haynes and Halley both winced simultaneously but his dad smiled sadly at me. “Tell us what else he told you. Please.” His voice was soft and I was embarrassed that my little story was getting so out of hand. Still though, it seemed to mean so much to them.

I bit my lip, “Well, he told me that he was supposed to be going on a mission soon and preaching to people about God and stuff.” I didn’t add what he had said about his parents hating him because he wasn’t going to go. I have some sense, thank you very much.

“Really?” his mom asked, her eyes filling up with tears. “He said he wanted to go on a mission?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled uncomfortably, “but he seemed to think there was some reason he couldn’t go or something.” His dad looked suddenly crushed and I quickly added, “But he told me about what he believed about God and where we came from and stuff. I know I’m just one person and he wasn’t like a real missionary or anything but still,” I shrugged again, “I believed him.” A heat filled my chest as I realized that I did believe what he had said, however weird it was.

“You did?” his mom asked and I blushed again.

“Thank you,” his dad gave me a half smile and looked oddly comforted. “You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.”

I just nodded and moved out of the way for Halley. As soon as Cole’s mom saw her, she burst into hysterical tears and fell on her neck. Just then I spotted Van talking to Kyle over by the display table and quickly excused myself.

Kyle was being his usual obnoxious self and fiddling with Cole’s brand-new skateboard when I walked over but Van seemed to be in another world. He didn’t even notice me standing there. “I bet he got killer air on that,” he said quietly and I was unsure if he was speaking to Kyle or me or just himself.

“Yeah, probably coulda jumped a whole freakin’ highway you know?” Kyle laughed and I cringed, looking around to see if anyone else had heard him.

Van didn’t reply but stared instead at the large picture of Christ hanging on the wall. This one was just a headshot but the eyes seemed to follow me wherever I walked. Still, though, there was something gentle about it and I found I didn’t mind his gaze. Van looked as if he was having a very intense conversation with it and I wondered briefly if he were praying.

Kyle interrupted my thoughts. “What do you think they’re going to do with this?” It was obvious from the way he was cradling the board against his leg what he thought should be done with it.

Van shook his head and took it from Kyle, reverently putting it back in its place on the table. After a long pause, he looked back at us. “Do you think it hurt?”

“Ah, wha-?” Kyle stammered, finally looking appropriately uncomfortable.

“Do you think he felt it?”

“Yeah…” Kyle wouldn’t mean his eyes. “So, I’m just gonna, you know,” he gestured in the direction of Cole’s parents and walked off.

“I hope not,” Halley said quietly, she and Jimmie having finished talked to the Haynes. “I really hope it was peaceful.”

“How peaceful can a semi really be?” Jimmie asked, speaking all of our thoughts.

“Well, I hope he’s at peace now,” I said carefully as we walked to an empty table in the far corner of the room. “Wherever he is, I hope it’s nice.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as all of us stewed in our apparent mortality. “So where he is anyways?” Jimmie finally blurted. Halley barely had time to register her surprise before he continued, “I mean, if he said good-bye to Van and all, then he has to be around here somewhere right? Like we just can’t see him or something?”

Van’s face went white. “Jimmie…” Halley said cautiously.

“What?” he said louder. “I really want to know! Dude jumped in front of a semi, and for what? Halos and perpetual singing? Hellfire and brimstone? What’s he got over there that’s better than what he had over here?”

“Well I think only Cole could answer that one,” I muttered.

“Right. So where he is? I wanna talk to him to,” Jimmie said adamantly, adding quietly, “I never got to say good-bye.” Van was eerily quiet and I thought about holding his hand but his arms were crossed tightly over his chest. “And while I’m at it,” he continued, “I wanna talk to God too.” Halley’s eyebrows shot up and I coughed into my napkin. “I do! I mean, you’re always saying how God loves me and crap,” Halley blushed as I stared at her, “so he must’ve loved Cole too, right? So how could a God who loved Cole let this happen?”

“What?” Halley squeaked.

“Come on,” Jimmie sat up and leaned forward in his metal folding chair, “God’s God, right? If he loved Cole, why didn’t he just move the semi or have Cole trip or, oh, I don’t know, just stop it.”

“And why doesn’t he just stop all the murders and the wars and stuff too,” I said, a touch sarcastically.

“Actually,” Jimmie nodded emphatically, “that would be nice too. What’s the point in having a God who just lets bad stuff happen to everybody he cares about?” Van stared at Jimmie, his gaze inscrutable.

“Everybody hurts,” Halley started but Jimmie cut her off.

“Exactly! I mean, what kind of set-up is this? Life sucks and then you die? So I guess Cole just figured it out early and cut to the chase, then.”

“No, we need painful experiences so we can learn and grow,” Halley tried again but Jimmie was on a roll.

“And who wants to go to Heaven with a God like that? I can only imagine the fun waiting for us there.” Jimmie jumped out of his chair, “I mean, people can only take so much pain! Just look at our friend Van here.” My eyes narrowed but Van didn’t move an inch. “His life has sucked in so many ways that if anyone has cause to throw themselves under a truck, it’s him.”

Van stood up so quickly the chair toppled behind him, crashing loudly on the floor. His fists were clenched but strangely he didn’t look at all angry. It was more like he had just had a realization about something. “You don’t know anything,” he said, speaking for the first time in all of this. “Not about life. Not about death.” And then he was gone, walking quickly from the gym and out the doors.

“That’s right, man!” Jimmie called after him. “Get mad! You should be mad! This life is a freakin’ crapshoot, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Jimmie!” I gasped, standing up to follow Van but he grabbed my arm.

“What are you so scared about? He’s just mad. He’ll go run a few laps around the parking lot and be fine.”

But I knew he wasn’t mad. Not at all. And that’s what scared me.
- posted by Charlotte @ 8:18 AM