Chapter Nine - Know When To Hold 'Em
“F.H.E.’s down in C204 tonight.” Jill called in from the living room. Jac just grunted and handed me another plate. It was our turn to wash the dishes after dinner since Jill and Trinity had cooked for us. Frankly, I think we got the raw end of the deal. All they did was cook beans and rice in the vegetable steamer and then top it with cheese and salsa. Jac and I got all the dishes accumulated from yesterday and today, which included two bowls with Grape Nuts permanently cemented onto them. Although I have no one but myself to blame for that last bit.

“We’re coming,” I yelled and swished the last of the silverware in the gray rinse water before dropping it in the drying rack. Wiping my hands on the back of my jeans, I followed Trinity out the door to wait for the other two. A gust of wind kicked up and I shivered a little, realizing that summer was definitely on its way out.

I padded down to C204 in my bare feet, Jac and Jill also too lazy to put their shoes on for the short jaunt. Only Trinity had shoes on and those were open-toed, black spike heels sticking out from under the hem of her ratty, slashed jeans. Jill knocked on the door, her signature tap-TAP-tap ringing across the parking lot.

“Oh Alma Anne!” Trinity gushed as soon as a girl with round cheeks and wheat-blond hair answered the door. “Thank you so much for inviting us over this evening!” She was using her Ladies Who Lunch voice again and I knew nothing good was coming. “This is absolutely lovely of you.” Trinity grabbed Alma Anne by the shoulders, kissing both round cheeks with enthusiasm. “That’s the custom in Europe,” she said gaily as she swept into the apartment, ignoring the glare from Alma Anne as she wiped the lipstick off her cheeks. “We just returned from summering on the Rhine, you know.”

“Ignore her,” Jill said perfunctorily and followed Trinity in.

“Hi, I’m - ” I started to introduce myself but was cut short by Alma Anne turning abruptly and walking away from me, mid-sentence, leaving me standing in the doorway with my mouth open.

“Ignore her,” Jac said calmly and pushed me in the door.

“What’s her deal?” I whispered as we sat next to Jill and Trinity on the couch.

“We’re the competition,” Jill answered.

“The what?” I asked as another knock sounded on the door and Alma Anne went to answer it, leaving us sitting with five other girls, the rest of the roommates I’m presuming. I don’t really want to risk introducing myself again just yet to find out.

“Look around you,” Jill nudged me as another few girls trickled in, raising the estrogen in the room to a level probably noticeable from outer space.

Just then I heard a booming laugh from outside and a loud thundering as C301 came down the stairs. “Ah,” I said, the light coming on. “We’re all girls in our group except…”

“Hello Sisters!” Darrel burst through the door like Desi Arnaz, his remaining roommates not far behind. From the smiles on their faces it is apparent they know their odds and like them. Even Nick’s present, already flipping the hair out of his eyes with a charming toss of his head and a wink. Sigh.

“Bingo,” Jill said through her teeth, cheerleader smile painted brightly on and back perfectly straight.

“Welcome to our home,” Alma Anne simpered. “We tried to save you the couch but they got to it first.” There was no question who they were from the dark look she shot in our direction. “I told you guys you can always come over early if you want to get it next time.”

“No worries,” Darrel said happily as he plopped down in the middle of the floor.

Kyle joined him, “I smell cookies!”

“I made cowboy cookies,” she said smiling over at Tex who had made his way to the couch, sitting sideways on the arm next to me and leaning back against the wall. “But they’re for after the lesson,” she added, her large blue eyes staring at me, reminding me of a commercial I’d once seen for a movie about a murderous doll. Holding my gaze until I dropped my eyes, she sat down in a chair by a girl with short spiky brown hair and a stuffed monkey.

“Sounds great,” Tex smiled courteously, tipping his hat at her and setting off a round of giggles in the room, the loudest coming from Alma Anne herself. Ending her laugh suddenly, like she’d pushed an off button, she paused again to stare at me.

I shivered and leaned over to Jill, my lips barely moving, “Why does she keep looking at me like that?”

“Creepy isn’t it?” Jill said, a note of awe in her voice. “It’s because she has no eyelashes.”

“What?” I hissed behind my hand.

Trinity leaned over Jac and Jill to add giggling, “For real. Check it out. Hairless as a naked mole rat.” I made a mental note to get close enough to her to look. Then I made another mental note to find out what a naked mole rat is.

All the whispering and giggling only served to enflame Alma Anne further. Clenching her jaw tightly, she bit out the words, “Well, if we’re all done being childish perhaps we could start with a hymn?”

She had picked one that none of us had ever heard before and since she was the only one with a hymn book the rest of us half-hummed, half-mumbled along with her strident voice. Naturally she sang all four verses.

Alma Anne and her roommates then launched into a very long, very detailed lesson on a topic that I never quite caught, despite the colorful handout listing all 50 scriptures and 6 quotes from Bruce R. McConkie referenced in the lesson. The girl with the monkey handed them out and I thought I caught an apologetic smile as she dropped one in my lap. After ten minutes of trying to figure out where we were on the handout, I gave up, my brain already exhausted from my excruciating biology test this morning, and tuned Alma Anne out.

Instead I checked out their apartment. It had the exact same layout as ours did but it looked like it was on a different planet. Using thumbtacks to get around the no-permanent-decorating rules in the contract, they had tacked up a wallpaper border – dusty blue with mauve hearts and the phrase “home sweet home” repeated every foot and a half. Underneath the border on the main wall hung a gilt-framed copy of the Proclamation on the Family flanked by a picture of Jesus on one side and the Prophet on the other. Not that I’m saying that’s bad or anything, I mean, we have a picture of Christ in our living room too, but it’s the little shelf running underneath with a row of tiny mauve candles that nudges theirs into the bordering-on-starting-my-own-cult range. The other walls and what I could see of the kitchen held a wide variety of dried flower arrangements running the gamut from a few in a vase on top of the TV all the way to an elaborate spray and matching wreath by the phone. A fancy glass bookcase in the corner held an assortment of ceramic knick-knacks and the entire bottom shelf was taken up by what looked to be the complete collection of the FARMS publications. As I watched, a eucalyptus leaf broke off the dried flower art on the top shelf and twirled gently to the carpet. I couldn’t help but think it was trying for a brave escape. Either that or Alma Anne had finally driven it to despondency.

The lesson finally ended (only after Kyle started snoring), Alma Anne brought out the cookies. They did indeed look delicious. After passing them around the rest of the room she finally brought them over to the couch, an insincere smile plastered on her face. As I reached for one she said loudly, “Oh sweetie, shouldn’t you be watching your figure?” My face burned as everyone turned to stare at me. “I mean, of course you’re darling but there’s always the freshman 15 to worry about.”

I looked up at her, still smiling, and noticed that she really does have no eyelashes. Not a single hair adorned the smooth red lining of her eyes. She blinked and the effect was practically reptilian. I bit back my rude retort, realizing that she has bigger problems to deal with. And the truth is, she hit on a sore spot. All those cereal meals aren’t exactly healthy and what girl, freshman or otherwise, doesn’t worry about her weight? You know those girls that can just eat whatever they want and stay thin as a twig? Yeah. So not me.

Yet she still stood there, holding her plate of cookies under my nose, waiting for me to either confirm to the room that I didn’t care about my weight and take a cookie or deny the cookie and agree with her that I was fat.

I was saved by a knight in shining spike heels. “Oooh, you are so right my dear,” Trinity called out loudly in her affected accent. “I simply cannot believe you made those hugely fattening cookies! I mean there are probably two whole sticks of butter in there.” She smiled showing all her teeth as Jill tittered before giving her final blow. “And aren’t you the brave one? I can only imagine what they’ll do to your hips after all the cookie dough you must have eaten! I’m impressed you still have room to eat more.”

Trinity’s little speech having the dual effect of putting all the rest of the girls in the room off the cookies (save Jac who ate three) and making all the boys glad they weren’t girls, F.H.E. was pretty much over.

On our way out the door, Trinity faced down Alma Anne, both of them smiling with teeth bared and eyes sparking. “This was a pleasure, as always,” Trinity trilled, air kissing her this time. “I simply can’t wait until next week.”

“Neither can I,” Alma Anne said curtly. “It truly wouldn’t be the same without you.”

As we walked away, my feet slapping loudly on the wooden walkway, Tex caught up with us. “Here, I saved you one,” he said handing me a cookie. “You coulda eaten five cookies and been just fine, missy.” I smiled.

………

Spread out across the kitchen table were my notes and various textbooks as I chewed my pencil and tried to concentrate on required U.S. History instead of the peals of laughter coming from the TV in the living room as Jill watched a Friends rerun. I had just decided to switch to Life Skills, my cake class, when there was a knock on the door.

I heard Jill click off the TV and walk over to the door. “Darrel? Nick? What are you guys doing here?” Nick is here? Doing a quick body check, I realized that I’m wearing my stained flannel pajama pants. Maura and I made them during a Young Women’s personal progress night, which would have been fine and all except we were twelve and picked a fabric covered in little teddy bears holding shamrocks. Add to that my St. George Marathon t-shirt (which I haven’t run but thanks for asking) covered in paint and I’m not exactly the picture of co-ed gorgeousness portrayed in all the sitcoms. I stood up thinking perhaps I could run behind Jill and escape to my room. No luck, she already let them in.

“Hey guys! Everyone come in here, please!” Jill called and I walked hesitantly into the living room. Nick and Darrel were indeed sitting happily on our couch, the crumbs from Alma Anne’s cookies still dusting their chins. I dropped to the floor where I stood, covering my lap with a blanket.

“Didn’t we just see you guys?” Jac grumbled and fell to the floor beside me.

“What’s up?” Trinity stuck her head out of her room, the blacklight making sure we didn’t miss the few flakes of dandruff in her hair.

“What day is today?” Jill smiled, tapping her foot and staring at the boys.

“It’s uh…” Jac strained to read the calendar from where she was sitting.

“The last day of the month,” Jill provided.

“Oh!” Jac and I said simultaneously.

“We’re your new home teachers!” Darrel announced, grinning. Nick looked around the room as if he were scanning for more cookies. He’d be sorely disappointed in our apartment. No one here has ever made cookies that I know of. Between Jac’s heavy-protein diet, Jill’s low-fat diet, Brooklyn’s only-eat-what-men-buy-me diet and my own cheap-and-over-processed diet, the food selection is pretty grim here. Cockroaches might starve. That’s all I’m saying.

Trinity slammed her door, yelling loud enough to be heard through her door. “Sorry guys, I’m all churched out for tonight.” I can’t blame her. I kind of feel the same way. Besides I have a ton of homework to do.

“So, how you girls doing?” Darrel wiggled his eyebrows in a way I think he thought was cute.

“Same as we were a half hour ago,” Jac mumbled and lay down on the floor, her head in my lap.

“Fan-TASTIC,” Darrel said, clapping his hands together once.

“Anything we can do for you?” Nick was still scanning the room and it occurred to me maybe he wasn’t looking for cookies in general but perhaps a specific cookie, i.e. Brooklyn.

“I think we’re just fine,” Jill smiled pertly, still standing with her hands on her hips. There was an awkward moment of silence where we all stared at each other, waiting. The only one who seemed unaffected by the weirdness was Darrel and that’s probably just because he’s already weird. He sat staring at Jill with shining eyes as if she were Venus, newly hatched.

“Uh-oh,” Jac whispered, noticing Darrel’s sudden fascination, “Houston, we have a problem.”

“I thought you’d be happy,” I whispered back. “At least he’s not Nate, right?”

“Naw, Darrel’s a good guy,” Jac started, “but tonight Nate’s supposed to…” As if on cue, there was a firm knock on the door.

Jill lit up like a Christmas light on Thanksgiving Day and bounced over to the door. “Nathan! Come on in! I’ll be ready in just a minute. Our home teachers are here.”

Nathan strode in the door, standing casually in the middle of the room as if it is a given he should automatically become the center of attention. “Hey man,” he nodded coolly at Darrel and Nick. I felt Jac growl, my leg vibrating underneath her. Subconsciously I petted her head and she stopped.

Darrel said nothing, the shine gone from his eyes and his smile hanging crazily on his lips, half forgotten. “Hey man, you got an Ensign on you?” Nick asked.

“Sure, in my car. Always be prepared, that’s my motto,” Nathan flashed Jill a cocky grin. “You want I get it?”

“Actually,” Jill looked over at the boys on the couch. “We didn’t know you guys were coming tonight and…”

“But it’s the last day of the month,” Darrel interrupted indignantly, as if we really should have known.

“I know,” Jill smiled kindly and I saw him melt.

Nathan saw it too. “Come on, honey. We’re losing daylight and I wanted to show you that lookout spot up the canyon.”

Honey? My eyebrows shot up as Darrel’s crashed down. Jac stood up hurriedly, rising to her full height and almost meeting Nathan eye to eye. “You guys are going up the canyon?” she barked.

Jill, her eyes trained on Nathan, just giggled and said, “Go on out. I’ll grab a sweatshirt and be right there.”

“Okay, honey.” Nathan let himself out, his sharp steps quickly dying out in the ensuing silence.

“Wow,” Jill started, preparing to gush. “Isn’t he so amazing? He’s always so prepared for everything.”

“Yeah, we know, he told us,” Jac said harshly. “Remember? The motto he stole from the boy scouts?”

“What’s your problem with him anyways?” Jill retorted, spinning to face her sister.

“Wellll…maybe we should go,” Nick stood, ready to make a break for it but Darrel remained on the couch, whether stunned or still mesmerized by Jill I’m not sure.

“I just think you shouldn’t be going up the canyon at night with some guy you hardly know.” Jac said hotly, speaking around Nick as if he weren’t even in the room.

“It’s not just some guy,” Jill’s eyes flashed.

“I know, I know, it’s Nate.” Jac interrupted. “I played intramural rugby with him last year, remember?” Jac plays rugby? That’s hot.

“He prefers Nathan and you know it,” Jill snapped. “And if you have something you want to tell me about him then just tell me already and stop sulking! You’re such a baby sometimes!”

Jac’s lips twitched in the uncomfortable silence. I might have left except I’m pretty sure that by now I’ve achieved complete invisibility so I might as well stay for the show. I mean, invisibility’s got to have some benefits, right?

“That’s what I thought!” Jill yelled and stormed out of the door, not even pausing to grab her sweatshirt.

“Hate Nate,” Jac grumbled but the phrase had lost its edge. Combined with the look on her face it was downright melancholy. I felt bad for Jac and wondered if perhaps she was just jealous of her sister since Nate, excuse me, Nathan, is considered prime grade husband material in our ward. Maybe, just maybe, she’s worried that Jill will get married and leave her behind. See? Psych I is doing me some good after all.

My heart ached for Jac and I almost hugged her but then Darrel interrupted. “Are they dating?”

Jac stalked into her bedroom, slamming the door loudly after her. “I guess so,” I shrugged. Now that it was just me left, Nick and Darrel made a hasty exit.

“See you next month,” Nick called over his shoulder. Sigh.

………


“Hey C.C.,” Lucien called and my heart stopped. Literally. It kind of aches too. Maybe this is what they mean when they say love hurts? “We’re dealing a new hand, you want in?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I started, looking around my nearly empty zone from the wait station.

“Come on,” he tugged on my hand and I was surprised at the warmth of his fingers. “You’ve got like one measly table out here.”

I hesitated still, “What if the Queen comes back here?”

“That won’t be a problem.” Laughing, he pulled me off the floor. Still unsure, I followed him through the kitchen and up the moldy stairs to the back office. Flinging open the door, he marched into the room and took his seat. Right next to Queen Mary who was laughing loudly and drinking a beer. Well that explains why I haven’t seen her at all tonight.

“Have a seat, Chickie,” Trinity kicked out a chair for me that someone had tried unsuccessfully to reupholster in purple-sequined fabric. I sat gently on it, tufts of old stuffing oozing out the sides anyhow.

“The game’s Texas Holdem, aces are high, jacks are wild.” Flipping the cards nimbly around the table, he finished, “Ante up.”

“Oh I don’t gamble,” I mumbled, already feeling like an idiot.

Trinity laughed brashly, “Sweet Chickie. That’s what I love about you. You think any of us could afford to lose our tip money on a night as slow as this one?” A couple of heads nodded in agreement. “We’re not really gambling. Just toss in whatever you’ve got.”

“I’ll lead out,” Ryan said, smiling at me and throwing a handful of fish heads into the center of the table.

“Ewww!” Yvonne shrieked. “I thought we told you last week if you ever did that again you are banned permanently!”

“All right, all right. Some people are so sensitive,” he laughed, scooping the fish heads off the table and back into his pockets. Instead he laid a plate on the table with a slice of fresh pineapple. “Fresh from the party this afternoon.”

“Oooh,” Trinity’s eyes lit up. “Now that’s interesting.” Since our apartment can rarely afford fresh fruit and vegetables, much less something exotic like pineapple, Trinity and I have come to rely on work to keep us from getting rickets or beriberi.

“Your turn,” Lucien said to me and I hesitantly reached for my cards. He slapped his hand down over mine.

“Are we playing slap jack?” I asked, confused already.

“No,” he said slowly over several loud giggles, “this would be poker, C.C. And you can’t look at your cards because you are left of the dealer so you’re playing blind this round.”

“Oh,” I mumbled. Whatever that means.

“Just bet something,” Trinity elbowed me.

I reached into my apron pocket and found half a stick of gum. Laying it carefully on the table, I tried to gauge if it was the right thing. George reached out and picked it up, slowly turning it in his hand. “It’s still soft,” he declared, “and warm. I so freakin’ have to win this time!”

“Oh, sweetie, you never win,” Queen Mary patted his cheek, her eyes (amber colored, like a cat’s) oozed sympathy. “But I like your positive attitude. You’ll have to tell your therapist this week. It’s definitely progress.”

George tossed in a clove cigarette, Queen Mary contributed a pen with a yellow feather taped to the end (useful so customers don’t walk off with your pen after signing the check), Trinity gave a cheap plastic ring like the kind you get out of a vending machine for 25 cents and Yvonne ended with a tube of used chapstick. “I’m planning on winning this round,” she explained when her hygiene was questioned. “I’ll get it back, no worries.”

After it was decided that no one had anything left to give, Ryan called the hand and we all showed our cards. There was complete silence when I turned my hand over.

Finally Lucien dropped his head on the table, “Please say you’ll come to Vegas with me.”

“Is this good?” I looked at the three aces laid out in front of me. Honestly, I have no idea. I’ve never played poker. In fact, after the great Face Card Debate of the ’99 Caldera Family Reunion in Lava Springs, I’ve never even touched an actual face card.

“Aw, no freakin’ way!” George screamed. “She gets the gum and my last clove.”

Lucien swept the odd pile over to me and I tried to smile gratefully. “I’d better go see my table. They’re probably ready for their check.” Pushing my chair back, I stood to go.

“Ooh, check mine too please?” Yvonne asked.

“And mine?” George looked as if he might cry. Then to Queen Mary he said sadly, “I really thought this time would be it. I really did.”

“I know sweetie, I know.” She laid his head on her cushy shoulder and patted his hand.

“No problem. Trin?”

“Nah, I’ll come out with you,” she said sighing and pushing her chair back too. I gathered up the pen, the ring and the pineapple, unobtrusively slipping the clove cigarette and the gum in front of George. Yvonne’s chapstick I left where it lay. Really, eww.

After I dropped the checks at the three remaining tables on the floor, Trinity helped me clear the tables and then close our station. We worked quickly but it was dark nevertheless by the time we made it out to my car and home.

Stumbling through the dark so we wouldn’t wake our roommates, I bid Trinity good night. “Thanks for your help tonight. You can have your ring back if you want it.” I held it out to her, the fake jewel catching the light from the parking lot streaming in the window.

“Nah. I just found that on the floor today. You keep it for good luck.” I smiled and dropped it in my apron. My winnings from my first ever poker game. What would my father say?

………

I was dreaming about the ring, as it burned golem-like into my finger, when I was awakened by a glass-shattering scream. My first thought as I jumped out of bed was someone’s been knifed. I mean, you just don’t scream like that at two o’clock in the morning for any reason less than attempted or actual homicide. I landed on the carpet at almost the same instant as Brooklyn, her foot coming down hard on mine.

“Ouch,” I gasped as she grabbed my arm.

Yelling into my ear, her nails digging into my skin, “Which room did that come from?”

“I think it was Jill,” I yelled back and ran towards the door. Then it was my turn to let out a horror-movie scream as something long and cold and slimy flew in my face. “Aaaaaaah!” I shrieked, tumbling back into Brooklyn.

“What is it? Wha-?” She started to demand and then got a face full also. Screaming and panicked we both fell to the floor as more of the things rained down on us. Looking at one that landed too close to my face I saw it was a snake. Now ever since that time at Girl’s Camp when we killed the rattlesnake with a shovel and mounted its dead carcass over our tent as a warning to other potential reptile trespassers I knew one day it would come back to haunt me. Apparently today is the day. Jerking spastically away from it, I rolled over Brooklyn’s hair causing her to scream even louder. Aiming for the door I kept rolling until something stopped me short. A pair of tennis shoes. I followed the shoes up to a pair of black sweatpants and then further up to a black t-shirt, landing at last on a laughing face. I almost didn’t recognize it without the PlayStation controller attached to his hand.

“Gotchaaaa!” Roy screamed.

“Ah, ah,” I panted trying to think up something vitriolic enough to encapsulate all the hatred I feel for him at this moment. Just then someone turned on our light and after the temporary blindness faded, I took a look around. Brooklyn and I both lay on our floor covered in wet rubber snakes. Hello Amazon, meet Pottery Barn.

“Let me help you,” Nick started, grabbing Brooklyn’s arm.

“Don’t touch me!” she shrieked, flinging his hand off. Ah, now that’s not how you planned it, was it Cookie Boy? “Ugh!” She marched out into the living room where Jac, Jill and Trinity had congregated. Jill, with her crazy hair and wild eyes, looked how I felt. If there had been a knife in the room, guaranteed someone would have had it sticking out of his leg right now. Jac stood at full alert, eyeing the laughing guys from C301 and saying nothing. Trinity leaned laconically against the wall, peacefully holding a rubber snake in one hand and wearing another around her neck, looking surprisingly comfortable.

“These babies are just like the one I sleep with,” she sighed happily. “Now little Dravon will have friends!”

Jill finally found her voice again screaming, “What was that?” at the top of her lungs.

“Gotcha!” Roy said again but with less enthusiasm this time as he eyed Jill and then looked for the nearest escape route.

“I cannot believe you guys. You are insane!” Jill marched around the room, stopping to glare at each one individually. Tex had the good sense to hang his head and mumble an apology but Darrel just looked like he enjoyed every minute of her tirade. “What if I slept with a gun under my pillow, huh? You’d all be dead! You’re a bunch of psychos.” Jill clenched her fists, obviously winding up rather than down. “I mean, I thought taking your remote was mean but this - ”

“You took my remote?” Kyle bellowed, interrupting Jill.

“I told you I was innocent,” cried Roy gleefully.

“Oh I, uh, no, we…” Jill stammered and stepped back from Kyle.

“I told you we should have gone with water balloons,” Darrel said loudly.

“We gave it back,” I added trying to be helpful.

Kyle stared at me with narrowed eyes for a long minute before barking out, “We’re finished here, men. Everybody out.” As they filed out, we knew we hadn’t seen the last of C301. The prank war, far from being over, is just beginning.

………

Hey Girl,
What do you think for the homecoming theme: “Futures” by Jimmy Eat World or “I’ve Waited all my Life” by Ryan Cabrera? Yeah, I know, me too. But it’s too hard to dance to the Chicken Dance. Well unless you actually do the Chicken Dance. So those are our two choices. Have you found a date yet? I’m still waiting on Chris. He’d better pull through. I can’t imagine a fate worse than being on the Homecoming Committee and not getting to go.
Luvs,
Maura
- posted by Charlotte @ 3:04 PM