Chapter Eight - Serve Your Fellow Men, Dead or Alive!
Calling. The very word evokes images of a grand destiny. You are called. Chosen. One in a million. Heavenly Father specifically picked you for this duty. Maybe it’s even one you signed up for in the pre-mortal life! You know what I mean, right? I’m getting my first real official church calling today. Oh sure, I’ve had callings in the Young Women’s program before (I was Beehive president twice, thank you very much) but that’s not quite the same as this will be. It’s almost like Christmas. I can just see it in my head now - the Lord and my bishop sitting around a table (figuratively of course), collaborating on what particular calling will best utilize my strengths and improve my weaknesses. Of course my calling will be glamorous, probably high profile. Has a freshman ever been called as Relief Society President? Jill snickered when I asked her that, said that just the fact that I asked that question means I have no clue. Whatever. Don’t be a hater Jill, just because you’re third string on the activities committee. Oh I know, don’t give me that look. I know every calling in the church is equally important and that all you need is a humble heart and a willingness to do the Lord’s will. Do you really buy that? Do you seriously think a lowly Sunbeam teacher is as important to The Work (why is that always capitalized?) as an apostle? Ok, you’re probably right in that apostles have to start somewhere and it is probably in a Sunbeam class. But why do you get to be right anyhow? This is my story.

“Are you going to eat that?” Thankfully he interrupted my mental gymnastics before my head exploded with pride.

“Um, excuse me?” I looked at Tex who was sitting next to me in Sunday School, looking vaguely incomplete without his hat.

“That paper. Or can I borrow it?” He pointed to a blank sheet of notebook paper I had laying across the lap of my ankle-length plaid skirt. (Over-compensating for my splurge yesterday? Probably.)

“What? Why would I…?” I stopped myself, suddenly remembering my Mission Impossible antics of last week. “Uh, sure you can borrow it,” I blushed and handed it to him.

“Thanks.” He immediately started writing, trying to pick up in his notes where he had run out of room on the program. Come to Mid-Week Activity, sisters! It blared. I can’t though. I’m working Wednesday night. But Relief Society is important my guilt-ridden conscience shot back. I know, but so is paying the rent. Angel. Devil. Angel. Devil. “You know, this is another fantastic lesson,” Tex whispered, again interrupting my internal dialogue. “Would ya like to get together after ward prayer tonight and talk about it again?”

I glanced over at Jill, who was sitting across the room with Nathan and looking as if she were having a happy little mental conversation of her own, and waited for her to give me more instructions.

Jac followed my gaze and muttered under her breath, “Hate Nate.” Trinity, on the other side of Jac, snorted loudly, earning her a disapproving look from the hated object himself. She just adjusted her hat, black this time with a mesh veil and a sprig of black plastic ivy on the brim, and smiled broadly back at him. Brooklyn, just like last week, had left right after sacrament meeting and this time I didn’t bother asking why.

I elbowed Jac, rolling my eyes before I realized that I could probably make this decision on my own. “Sure, yeah. That was fun last week,” I said to Tex.

He smiled at me, his face a little too pink before he dropped his head forgetting he didn’t have a hat to cover it this time. “Alrighty then.”

Sister Benson wrapped up her lesson on temple work (aha! I remembered to note the topic this time!) and Nathan stood to stay the closing prayer. I had just enough time before I closed my eyes to see Jill light up, her eyes glowing as she bowed her head.

Do you ever get dizzy when you have your eyes closed for too long? I do. It’s like the time my family and I went in the cave at Mount Timpanogos and the tour guide turned out the lights. Eventually I couldn’t even tell which way was up anymore. And really that’s the best way to describe Nathan’s prayer too – long, winding and disorienting. In fact, he’s been praying so long now that I’m afraid I might tip over, so I do what I have to do – I open my eyes. Sneaking a glance to my right, all I can see is Jac’s foot tapping impatiently on the chair in front of her. Her eyes are still closed but then she’s an athlete so she’s probably got exceptional balance. Or maybe I just have a weird brain tumor or something. Anyhow. Past her, Trinity is not even sitting with her arms folded, instead using the time to check for split ends in her inky hair and, Dorothy-like, clicking the heels of her cherry-red, sequined four-inch heels. And yes, Nathan is still praying. Do they have world records for this kind of thing? Man, where’s Frederick when I need him? Nothing like a two-year-old with a well-aimed toy to bring on the amen. Ah, speaking of amens, we are here at last! As soon as Nathan finished, I snapped my head up, spitting out a cursory “amen” and sighing with relief.

Trinity didn’t say anything and Jac mumbled an irreverent, “Hate Nate.”

“What is your deal?” Trinity asked, staring at Jac who was staring at Jill who was staring at Nathan. Nathan wasn’t staring at anyone.

Jac looked ready to let fly with a long litany of reasons she’d prepared just for this occasion but I stepped in, “As much as I’d love to hear this, I have to go to the Bishop’s office now. I’m getting a calling.” LAAAAAA! “Can you guys tell me where it is?”

“I’ll walk ya on over there, if you don’t mind,” Tex said softly. “It’s on the way to Priesthood anyhow.”

Jac shrugged, still staring intensely across the room, “I’ll save you a seat in Relief Society.”

“Good luck, Chickie,” Trinity giggled as if she knew something I didn’t and started to tug Jac towards the door.

Bishop Jacobsen was waiting in the hallway for me, having apparently just finished giving a calling to a generic bespectacled boy in black slacks, white shirt and blue tie. “Ward finance clerk for sure,” I whispered to Tex who just smiled and squeezed my hand as we walked down the hall. As the bishop ushered me into his office, I marveled at the fact that after a lifetime of never having a boy hold my hand, it has just happened twice (albeit briefly) in the last week. College rocks.

“Thank you for coming to see me Sister Caldera,” Bishop Jacobsen started, his white teeth creasing a smile in his tan skin. “How are you doing these days?”

“Fine, fine,” I nodded quickly. Come on bishop, get to the good stuff! Blah, blah, blah. He talked on while like Miss Utah at the Miss America pageant I’m already prepping my acceptance speech. Oh Bishop Jacobsen, of course I’ll accept the calling to be Special Liaison between the Young Adults and the Prophet. Yes, yes, I know it will be a lot of hard work but I understand how important it is and I am truly humbled to be called…

And like Miss Utah at the Miss America pageant, I’ll never get to use my acceptance speech. “Excuse me?” I couldn’t keep the shock out of my voice. “Could you say that again?”

“We would like to call you to serve as Second Assistant to the Data Entry Specialist in the Family History program.” Not only do I have no clue what my new calling is but apparently I’m the second assistant to whatever it is. Is there a first assistant? A third? A tenth?

The bishop, unaware of my mental gears seizing, kept going. Handing me a piece of paper with a room number and a phone number with a name on it he finished, “You’ll be working under Brother Adams as part of the Redeeming the Dead committee.” They have a whole committee for dead people?!? No wonder the last kid that left this office had looked so down trodden. “So, Sister Caldera, will you accept this calling?”

I choked. Literally. On my own spit. I mean spit lives in my mouth year round and yet my body chooses this moment to just inhale it. Have you ever done that? It’s embarrassing. But I managed to nod amidst a spasm of coughing. I remembered hearing my dad explain at Family Home Evening a few months ago, “Since the calling comes from the Lord, we never seek nor turn down callings but instead choose to serve with a willing heart.” It sounded so easy then.

“Yes, bishop, I will do it.” Whatever it is.

………

Standing on C301’s doorstep, I’m not nearly as nervous this time. Which is a good thing since I drank too much juice at dinner. And this time I’m prepared for Kyle. I’m still in my skirt and shirt from church so I don’t even have any pockets to go through. Smiling confidently, I reach up and knock on the door. Then again. And again. I can hear them in there – why aren’t they answering the door? My mind flips into overdrive. Maybe they found out about the missing remote? Maybe they’re gearing up with their squirt guns and water balloons on the other side of the door right now! Maybe they finally discovered Andie and took her hostage after all? Maybe…

The swung open and Tex waved me in with a grin. “Sorry ‘bout that. Come in, come in.” He led me through a completely wrecked hallway and front room. Every piece of furniture had been moved, every drawer emptied, every closet opened. “Things have been kind of crazy here since Ur went missing.”

“Ur?” I asked, picking my way past the couch where Kyle was sprawled on the couch looking irritated and uncomfortable, a football game on the huge TV.

“Roy! 30!!” Kyle bellowed and Roy jumped to his feet, raced to the TV and clicked the buttons until he came to channel 30.

“Sorry, U.R. The universal remote,” Tex whispered, motioning me into the kitchen. “It’s been missing for a week now and Kyle is out of his mind crazy looking for it.”

“Really?” I tried not to look guilty as the knot wound up in my stomach. “That’s, uh, awful.”

“Roy! 64!!” Kyle yelled and I heard Roy jump up and race to the TV and back again. “No! Commercial!” Kyle barked and I heard Roy leap up again. “41! Now!!”

“You have no idea,” Tex shook his head. “The thing cost like two hundred bucks and Kyle’s ballistic. He’s sure Roy lost it since he plays his video games 24-7.”

“Roy! Back to 5! Halftime’s probably over!” I cringed as Roy moaned but got up anyhow.

“It’s been like this all week,” Tex gave a short, breathy laugh devoid of any humor and sat down. “I should have warned you before you came over but I forgot.”

“It’s okay,” I tried to smile but the guilt was almost overpowering now. “Um, Tex? I forgot my notes. I’ll be right back.”

Darting out the door and down the steps, I burst in on Jac, Jill and Trinity eating popcorn and playing Uno. “How’s loverboy?” Trinity cooed when she saw me. She had changed into black silk lounge pajamas, complete with tasseled skull slippers. Seriously, who sells this stuff?

Ignoring her I blurted out, “We’ve got to give back the remote. It’s awful up there. Kyle is convinced Roy lost it and he’s ordering him around like a slave, making him change channels every ten seconds. Not to mention they can’t play their video games or use their DVD player without it. I feel terrible, seriously.” I was still breathless from my sprint down the stairs and I collapsed on the couch.

Trinity laughed and laid another card down on the stack, “I wondered what was going on up there. I thought perhaps they were running ladder sprints.”

“In their living room?” Jac wondered aloud, obviously picturing it, before shaking her head. “We should give it back.”

“Kyle even named it. It’s called Ur,” I added. “If we don’t do something soon, he’s going to have missing-person posters up all over the building.”

“First of all, Ur is not a name, it’s an acronym,” Jill said tapping her shiny lips. “Or possibly a pagan god, I’m not sure.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder, “Second of all, we need to be rational about this. We can’t exactly go up there and just hand it back to him. He’ll kill us.”

“Right,” I agreed. That part was obvious.

“It’s time, ladies, for Phase III.” Jill announced. Jac groaned and fell over backward as Trinity clapped her hands, laughing maniacally.

“First off, we have to pick someone to frame.”

“Kyle?” I suggested. “It is his, after all.”

“No good, he would know he’s been framed. After all, he probably went through all his stuff first.” Jill rose to her feet and unrolled the scale diagram she had made of C301’s living room.

“Nick?” Jac asked and then paused as we all let out a dreamy sigh. “Right, no.”

“Besides, he’s rarely home and hardly ever uses the TV. Not a natural choice.” All Jill needed was a laser pointer and a security clearance and she could be FBI.

“That leaves Darrel, Roy or Tex,” Trinity said.

“Please not Tex,” I begged and blushed a little.

“Actually, I think Kyle has picked just the right patsy for us,” Jill said analytically.

“Roy?” Jac and I exclaimed together.

“Absolutely. He’s perfect. He’s known to play video games all the time,” Jill indicated the cords running to the couch on her drawing. “Not to mention he’s a total slob and his bedroom,” she tapped the map again, “is the one closest to the TV.”

“That hardly seems fair,” Jac mumbled. “Don’t you think the poor kid’s been punished enough for something he didn’t do?”

Trinity looked sternly at Jac, doing her best tough guy impression, “It’s us or him. Make your choice.”

“Remember Chucky? Did he deserve what he got? Besides, this will actually shorten his suffering,” Jill smiled. “He won’t have to be the human TV remote anymore.”

“That would be an awesome Halloween costume,” Trinity mused.

“And they’ll forgive him eventually,” Jill finished.

“Okay, okay,” I stood up, brushing my skirt off. “I have to get back up there. Tex is waiting for me.”

Jill walked over to our closet and pulled out the remote, handing it to me. In my anxiousness to get it, I accidentally pushed a button. The response from upstairs was immediate. “Hey!” we heard Kyle bellow through the ceiling. “Who changed the channel?”

I heard a sharp intake of air from Jill as Trinity guffawed loudly. “No way!” she pulled the remote away from me and, aiming it at the ceiling, pushed the button again. Another uproar from upstairs. “This baby’s got power! Quick, what’s the channel for Oxygen?”

“86?” Jill offered. Trinity pressed the buttons. The scream was piercing. Nooooo!

“Oh, we have got to keep this,” Trinity said, her eyes lighting up.

I jerked it out of her fingers. “No, we have got to give this back!”

“It’s possessed!” I heard someone (Roy?) yell as Kyle rushed across the floor, even his footsteps frantic.

“Quick Jill, what do I do with it?”

Running to the map, she pointed at a large X near the front door. “Here’s where all the boys drop their backpacks. Isolate Roy’s. His is the gray one with the Nader button. Put the remote inside and walk away. I repeat, walk away.” Jill nodded seriously at me, “I don’t need to tell you how important discretion is to this mission.”

“Billy, don’t be a hero,” Trinity ran up to me and grasped me tightly to her bosom, fake sobbing loudly.

I pushed her away and then ran up the steps, realizing a second before I got to the door that I have no pockets. I shoved the remote down the back waistband of my skirt, under my shirt and stood up very straight. Knocking on the door, I let myself in. The damage was obvious. Kyle was staring, wide-eyed with horror, at the large screen now showing a rerun of Oprah. Roy sat on the floor, holding his leg, which had obviously been trampled. Even Nick, Tex and Darrel had come out of their rooms to stare slack-jawed at the larger-than-life-sized maxi pad as the show went to commercial.

Their focus complete, I quickly separated Roy’s backpack from the heap and, doing a quick squat, dropped the offending remote into his bag. As I stood up, Tex broke out of the hypnotic demonstration of how much blue liquid could be absorbed by one pad and noticed me.

“Hey,” he grinned. “You’re back!” Then a look of confusion crossed his face. “Where are your notes?”

My notes! My entire reason for going downstairs! Ack! I lifted my chin and replied, “I ate them.”

………

Hey Girl!
Sis. Arendt and the girls all say hi. We had the chastity lesson in Laurels today. You should have seen Sis. Arendt’s face, LOL! It was hysterical. She was, like, so pink. Anyhow, you could totally tell they picked it for Erin, you know, since she and Todd have been dating since like the second grade. It made me think of you and how we used to always giggle through these lessons. They’re kind of a joke really. I mean, you have to be able to get a boyfriend before you can even worry about morality problems, right? No risk here of that here.
Luvs,
Maura
- posted by Charlotte @ 3:02 PM